My Redeemer lives

I want this blog post to be encouraging, and life giving, I truly do...but more than that, I want it to be real. And here it is. "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth." -Job 19:25 I never ever imagined how painful it would be to loss our daughter. Yes, the doctors warned us at 20 weeks that death was the likely fate of our daughter. But despite her diagnosis, we welcomed our first child into the world with joy and splendor, our cup run'th over. Our hearts where overflowing with love for her. And in what felt like a moment, she was gone.  The first week after Faith was born and went to heaven, I clinged to her blanket, a pillow, anything to fill my empty arms. It was, and still is, literally painful to live without her. Emotional pain does manifest physically, that I am sure of. I know that the only thing that allowed me to survive the first week and allows me to today, is to constantly say to myself when awake or asleep, "I know that He will redeem this". I say it over and over again. These are the only words that give me comfort. It is like putting ice on a broken bone, the ice isn't taking the pain of the break away, but it makes the pain somewhat more bearable. So many people look for words to give you to comfort you during times of grief. And their intentions are what matters, and I know that they are good. But honestly, for the first week, and even now, there are still no words, that truly bring comfort, except the promises of God. Those, somehow find a way to penetrate my heart, in the complete broken and raw condition it is in, and find a way to instill hope. Other than that, words are just words, and they can't change the fact that she's gone. Nic and I laid at the park today..Father's day, and longed for our daughter. We are a family of three, God grew us into that, and with our daughter in heaven now, we feel, and always will feel, like a huge part of us is missing. I kept thinking as we laid together, longing, how do we go on? How do we learn to enjoy life again?  I remember a pastor in a movie once saying..."living without a loved one is like learning to live with an amputation. You are never the same, yet you somehow find a way to adapt to the loss" ..And so again today, as we were leaving the park, I closed my eyes, and whispered.."He will redeem this". He will. I will stand and believe that He will. He is the only hope that I have. Everything else seems completely lost. Nothing feels right in the world without her. But I have to believe that He will redeem us, our family, from this loss. And that He will give us beauty for ashes. I just have to believe. I have to choose everyday, to believe that my Redeemer lives..and in the end, He will stand upon the earth. And I will be redeemed. Nic will be redeemed. Our family will be redeemed. Someday, by God's grace and goodness, we will stand together, redeemed.