Heavy Heart

My heart has been so heavy the past few days. There's part of me that wishes every morning that I would wake up to a different reality. That I would not feel like somehow I did or didn't do something that could have caused our baby to have these adversities to face. This morning, I got up first thing, hungry as usual, and started eating a bowl of cereal. A few bites in, I couldn't hold the tears back, and I just began weeping. Nic yelled from the the bedroom, "babe, are you okay?" I instantly started to weep harder, because, Oh how I wished I could say, "Yes, I'm okay, our baby is okay, everything is great!" But I couldn't. So I just wept.
Eventually, he asked me to come back in to the bed with him, and  held me for a long time as I cried. There is so much peace when God gives you someone to go through something hard with. Even though there is so much of me that wants to protect even my husband from the pain of all of this. I am so grateful for the grace that God shows me to have the husband that I have. He is sensitive, caring, and full of the right words to say at the right time (which I know is due to his sensitivity to the holy spirit)
I couldn't help but ask him, "How are we going to get through this? It just feels so hard. So unbearable in so many ways" And he said that we would get through it together, and only with God's help and strength.
I got up after awhile, finshed my cereal, and went for a walk to try to cry my head. I listened to worship music (my favorite right now is Jesus Culture) and just Praised Him in the midst of what felt like the eye of the storm. I told Him and I begged Him that He would be glorified through this..that we would see His goodness, and that others would be drawn to Him through our journey. I felt like getting on my knees, and just crying out to him, right then and there, as I walked by a flat sheet of grass, but I knew that He could hear the cries of my heart loud and clear.
As I walked, I started thinking how, if I could, I would gladly give both of my kidneys to our child. I would be honored. I thought about how awesome it would be to know that our child had a chance at life, and I know Nic would take great care of him or her ( I pictured our child being a him in that moment). I knew in my heart, how much they would both miss me, but I would be willing to make the sacrifice in an instant, no questions asked.
This is how I know that motherly love is not earthly, or natural, or human. It is such a supernatural love that is something so foreign, sacrifical, and selfless. I couldn't help but reflect on Jesus' ultimate sacrifice on the cross...dying for all of us, His broken, bruised and sinful children. But, we are His children! That sacrifice is the best illustration of the Father's supernatural love for us, that only a parent feels for their child.
I finished my walk...with a deep peace and comfort that I was so thankful had come. I felt like God was wrapping up my entire spirit in His presence, knowing that all I truly needed in this eye of the storm was His all powerful, and all loving, presence. It was supernatural, and I knew without a doubt, that God was with me. This gave me so much peace, and this peace has stayed with me...comforting me, and keeping me all day long. I am thankful.

I will end with these lyrics of such a great song. I pray that this will be my heart cry during this time.

Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know There'll be days,
When this life brings me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus Bring the Rain.

-Bring the Rain Mercy ME