This statement has become so true in my life the past month of so. I have always had such a heart to do the right thing, to be honest, and to be authentic. And part of that process is doing a lot of hard things that many would never choose to do.
When Nic and I decided to carry Baby Faith to term regardless of a very serious/potentially fatal diagnosis, we had no idea how hard it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I know that it is the right decision and the best one for our family. I think often about how we as people are so quick to pray for something, and then if God gives us something different, we think he heard us wrong or just gave us something less than what we asked for. It's like a friend giving you a gift, but it's not in the color or style you like, so you give it back, completely ignoring the thoughtfulness and beauty of the gift giving.
I believe that EVERY child is a gift from God. That truth has become so real in my life that I have seriously considered getting black paint and writting it on the walls of our bedroom numerous times over the past few weeks. Our world has been so decieved to believe that only certain things are a gift..only certain people with certain talents...only certain circumstances. But everything...is a gift, if we allow it to be.
Last week Nic and I sat down some of our family, and emailed others, about our baby's condition. Many of them knew that we were having some complications, but none of them knew the seriousness. I think that the biggest reason we were so hesitate to tell them much before we had a solid diagnosis was because they are not believers...and tend to think the worst quickly. They also worry a lot, and we thought that giving them foggy information would not be helpful. So we waited until we had something more solid.
It went A LOT better than I had thought or anticiipated, however, it has been very hard as well. I have been so blessed by God's grace that has been shown to us through talking to our families...He has just lavished so much grace. He has protected us and given us such peace.
Unfortunately, because our family doesn't believe the same things we do...such as our belief that God is always good, always merciful, never makes mistakes, and never leaves us, it's been a little different for them to process this information.
I struggled a bit after we talked to Nic's mom...because she went home and fell into quite a depression for a few days. She texted my mom says she "couldn't stop crying". It was hard because as much as we hate to see our families in pain, it's difficult to be dealing with a situation first hand, and also consol the others around you that are affected by it.
Out of her grief, she grew sort of resentful towards Nic and I, and she said that she was concerned about how we were grieving. She said it seemed like we were emotionally numb and in denial of the situation. Or maybe that we just didn't care that much. Or that we didn't feel comfortable sharing our grief with her. This was hard information to hear and it honestly hurt really bad that she would make judgements about us like that.
I mean, we are hurting immensely. I wake up every single morning, hoping that reality will somehow be different. I know Nic does too. We don't want our child to be sick, we want the VERY VERY best for them. We both would give our own lives to save this child. I know I would in an instant. I think that any parent, deep down, would give their life for their child. I know Jesus did that for us!
I've come to a better place of acceptance of where we are, and honestly, it's solely because I believe with my whole heart that God is in control. But when we first found out something was really wrong, I couldn't stop crying for the whole day...and cried off and on for at least the next week. I just ached for our child and wanted to be able to fix it.
Once I surrendered our child, our hearts, and our lives completely to God...I have had such peace. I still have my moments, and I still cry often, but I mostly feel joy and peace. I think that this is just foreign to our world and those that aren't believers because they are at the mercy of their circumstances. But if we believe that God is real and sovereign...we can have peace and joy in the greatest tragedies. We can choose these things. For it is in these things that we see God's heart.
God is teaching me so much about what my life with Him is really about. It is about complete surrender. Of my life, my time, my body, my dreams, my everything. I never imagined my first year out of grad school being the way it is. I thought that I would be immensed in my career...working hard and making that money ;) But...if I truly say to God that I will pick up my cross and follow Him daily, that means that I will sacrifice everything and anything to do what He has called me and willed me to do. And in this season of my life, that is to sacrifice my career, and carry His precious child for this precious time.
Thank you all for being apart of this journey with me!
Bless you all as you carry your crosses and walk with Jesus.
In Grace,
Lindsey
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