Pregnant with faith

Hi everyone. Thanks for being apart of this journey of authentic faith..and pregnancy, with me. I am so thankful for your interest and support. I covet your prayers as they hold Nic and I up in God's strength and grace through this time.

I want to update this blog by attaching a few of my recent journal entries about our pregnancy, and what's been going on the past few weeks.

Again, thank you for your support!

Journal 1/23/13

Pregnancy is already quite the journey! Emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in every way!

Losing a child was never something I ever thought about..having children, yes, always. But I didn't think I'd be having one so soon. And the idea, thought, and even possible reality of losing the one that lives inside of me now was something more than I could and can bear alone.

It all began when I went to my first appointment with my new obgyn last week to establish care. He decided to do an ultrasound just to take a look at what was "on his hands" now that he was my doctor.
"Very low fluid" was what he called it, after only a short look, and he immediately told me he was sending me to see a specialist this week. He asked me if I had been drinking enough water, if I had had any big gushes of water, and if I was bleeding at all. I knew something was wrong...especially because of his urgency for me to see the specialist.
I left the office in complete shock. How did this happen? Why my baby? Why now? But I quickly realized that these answers would never be answered. The real question I needed to ask God was, "what must I do?"All I have heard from God in regards to this question is "Have Faith"

The funny thing about that statement was that for the entire pregnancy thus far, I planned that if we had a girl, I would like to name her faith. So this statement meant a few thin.gs to me. To have faith specifically, in God...but to also, continue carrying baby faith, no matter what.

To sum it up, before I had any idea what would occur in our pregnancy, I already had know in my heart, that faith would be necessary.

The hardest thing about this situation is that I cannot fix it or solve it. I can't personally pump fluid back in to my womb. I can't make it all better for our little one. I can only pray and believe God to care for him or her. Our little precious baby that we love so much already and we would give anything to protect.

Doctors have been very hard to deal with so far because they have been very gloomy faced and really don't offer much hope. Everything in me wants to shout, what if this was your son or daughter? Would it mean more to you then?

I know it's not going to be an easy journey, probably the hardest one yet. But I want to give it my all because this is my child, and God always give me His all because I am His child.

 Journal 2/7/13

Does God manifest our dreams in the midst of great trial?

I can't help but ask myself this question tonight as I ponder the journey of authentic faith.

He truly does have a unique and different road for each of His children. This I am sure of!

He's birthing in me a desire and deep understanding of the calling into motherhood. What a calling it is!
Before this pregnancy, it seemed like a distant dream that seemed amazing, but out of my reach physically and emotionally.
 Now, as motherhood is figuratively and physically being birthed inside my womb, this purpose and dream has become undeniably real.

Motherhood feels like a higher calling, one that brings us nearer to the very heart of God. It's a love that is completely foreign until we experience it for ourselves I feel like. It's a love so different than with a spouse, family member, or dear friend. It is truly a heavenly love. One that gives us a glimpse of the Father's heart for us.

Sometimes the hardest choices are the very best ones in the end. That is what I feel like the decision that Nic and I have had to make about the life of our unborn child has been. How do you decide whats best for your child when both decisions leave you with empty arms?

The doctors suggest terminating, that the baby may die in utero, and if they make it to term,will either be stillborn or only live a few hours. But this is your child. How could you want anything but the fullest life for them, even if that all takes place in the womb? How can a parent say, "No, this child is unworthy of a chance at life, even if the chance is extremely small, because they will not survive"

I know in my heart that only God should make the final say. Only He holds the fate of our child's life and I trust Him with our child.

I remember a few weeks ago, after Nic and I first got the news...I remember holding my tummy that night in tears, just talking to our baby, telling him or her how much we love them. 
I was praying for our baby too, and I remember hearing the holy spirit bringing to my heart that God loves this baby perfectly, and that His love is perfect love.
I remember telling my tummy with baby inside how much God loved them and how I trust that He would love and protect them. I felt such a deep peace after that, I slept so peacefully that night. It brings me peace that truly surpasses all understanding just to know how dearly loved our child is by God. And that His plan is perfect for them, and all of us.

So I will end this entry on this note.

No matter the storms we face, we trust in You and You alone Jesus.  We know and believe that Your grace is sufficient, and that You hold our baby in the palms of Your hands. You were thinking of baby when You were on the cross over 2000 years ago. You are our truth, our refuge and our salvation We love you and trust you.