Written in November 2014
Amazing how little chance you get when you have a newborn (now infant). Between taking care of him, and trying to rest; return phone calls and do house work when he's asleep or Nic is home, I have had yet to sit down once, until now, to even begin this blog post. This post has been on my heart to write since he was born almost 4 months ago. And I am determined to get it down and share it with all of you.
This is going to be a very authentic and raw blog post, just as a forewarning. Birth is a very raw subject…and I'm going to be as real as possible with you all in hopes that I can help someone else in a similar situation, as well as bring glory to God for the way He brings beauty out of the ashes of loss.
Faith's birth took away my innocence about birth. I was hit hard with the reality that every mom doesn't walk out of the hospital holding their baby. Most do, but some don't. I was one of the ones that didn't.
Her birth also opened up my heart and world to a reality that has allowed me to understand the suffering many women have experienced first hand. The reality of postnatal loss. I was handed this reality when she died in my arms, in the hospital room, after 22 hours of labor and 90 minutes in my arms.
Her birth and loss has broken me, brought me to my knees, and built me up into a stronger woman over the last 19 months. I have been brought by God's grace through tragedy, into triumph.
Somehow the hardest thing I have ever been through, is becoming the best thing I have ever gone through as well. Not because I would choose this sort of pain; never in a million years. Still to this day I wonder who she would be and what it would be like to have her here. But…I am a different person now. A better person I would say. My heart has always, always desired to help others. Shoot, I got 2 degrees in psychology in an attempt to make a different and have the knowledge and training to help people that are hurting. Yet, life experience is often the best teacher. My daughter, and the testimony I have because of her, however painful it may be, has trained and equipped me to help others in a way that 10 degrees in psychology never could. It's given me empathy, understanding, and compassion deeper than I ever could have possibly developed in school or any formal training.
Throughout Logan's pregnancy, I experienced anxiety and near dread when thinking about the birthing process. The one and only birth I had endured ended in a very tragic loss, so I had nothing to compare it to. All I knew was loss. I was fearful yet hopeful that God had a redeeming birth planned for me. I trusted His promises for the beauty out of the ashes, but the fear was very real too.
I remember praying the last few months of my pregnancy with him that my water would break when I went into labor. With Faith…she didn't have much amniotic fluid which was what caused her lungs not to develop past 20 weeks. I asked God to let my water break to give me reassurance that Logan had the fluid he needed and his lungs would be developed so that he could breath when he was born.
Sure enough, at 2:30 AM on Tuesday August 5, my water broke in bed. I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant. God is faithful even to what we think is the silliest or most unimportant prayer.
I remember waking up to what felt like pee running down my leg…and I immediately got up out of bed, rushing to the bathroom, thinking I was having an "accident". As soon as I stood up, I felt a gush of water rush out of me onto the floor, and I immediately yelled to Nic, who was sound asleep, that I thought my water had just broken. He jumped out of bed so fast you would have thought someone said "bomb'. ;-)
Anyway…I couldn't believe it. My water broke! I immediately felt reassured that God had something very redeeming planned for Logan's birth.
I called the family birth center where I'd be delivering and told them I'd be there soon - my water had broken. But I didn't have any contractions. They said not to wait too long, but I could take a shower if I felt comfortable. So I did…and I blew dried my hair..put make up on. I wanted to look my best for this day. We left the house for the hospital around 4:30 AM.
When we arrived, I was only 2 cm dilated and 60% effaced so I knew it was going to be awhile. By around noon, after walking the halls for a few hours, real contractions started. And they hurt! I knew within an hour of them that I would need an epidural to get through the rest of labor. The nurse checked me and I was between a 4 and 5 and 80% effaced so it was a good time to get one.
After receiving the epidural, my contractions slowed down and I didn't make any progress for an hour or two so they gave me some pitocin. This really picked up my labor as many of you I'm sure have experience with.
I had an amazing nurse who tried all sorts of different positions with a labor ball to help me feel comfortable. She read my birth plan, and about my loss and previous labor and delivery, and shared with me that her very best friend had recently lost a baby. She was so understanding of my fears, and was truly God's angel by my side that day. I let her know that I would have the most trouble emotionally during pushing, and immediately after giving birth to Logan since with my first birth, this was when I experienced the trauma. (When I was pushing during Faith's delivery, Nic and I were both full of tears because we knew in our hearts that she wasn't going to live long once she was born. And right after she was born, it was confirmed by the neonatologist that she had only moments to live.)
As my labor progressed with Logan, my anxiety rose as well. I was struggling more to breath through anxiety than actual pain ( thank you epidural). My birth plan had always been to have a worship play list that I could truly melt into during labor, and even delivery. I literally kept my head phones on, with worship music on and my eyes closed, until he was out and they were putting him on me. This was how I was able to get through the birth of my rainbow baby after loss.
The lyrics of this song will forever remind me of his birth.
"You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now, the promises You have made"
(You make me brave by Amanda Lindsey Cook)
It was amazing how calm I was able to stay with the worship music. God truly gave me peace that transcended understanding during my labor and birth of Logan. I had INCREDIBLE and divine peace that I truly cannot explain. Nic spent most of my labor massaging my back, and applying counter pressure…as well as praying over Logan and I every few minutes.
When it was time to push, I didn't even flinch mentally. I just stayed focused on my music…and waited to feel the urge to push. I was relaxed, and it was so amazing! I was so fearful that I wouldn't be able to push him out because my body would be so tense and nervous.
After 45 minutes, and the help of a mirror (Which I completely recommend), Logan Jacob was born and put immediately on my chest. The tears came pouring out as I looked at him, and when I looked up at Nic, he was crying too. I couldn't believe it- he was here, and he was breathing, and he was okay. The tears were unstoppable- even now they are rolling down my cheeks as I remember the feeling of him breathing in my arms. My arms had ached for 15 months to feel my baby breathing in my arms…and the moment had arrived where God was redeeming that longing.
The first two hours that he was born were pretty quiet and Nic and I were just in awe that Logan was here and healthy. I remember we kept looking at the clock thinking…it's been an hour, two hours, three..and when he was 24 hours old, we both hugged each other in excitement. I know this may sound crazy to many of you…but when your first child passed away shortly after birth, every hour is another one you didn't have with that child.
When he was 2 days old, it was time to discharge and go home. We both couldn't believe that we were actually putting our baby in the car seat, and taking them home. We longed for this. Going home from the hospital without Faith was in many ways, the most painful part of her loss. It was like a train hits you with the reality that your loss is real. She really is gone. That drive home felt empty and excruciating.
So, taking Logan home…was an enormous redeeming gift…that healed our hearts in so many ways. I was on cloud 9 as we drove the 10 minute drive to our house…I just kept looking over at him in amazement. My cup run'th over.
The last almost 4 months of Logan's life have been filled with so much healing and redemption, but also hardship and pain. We have cried many nights realizing all that we missed with her. Wondering what kind of baby she would have been. Wondering what it would be like for Logan to have his older sister here, only a year and a few months older than him.
We have also dealt with lots of feeding issues with Logan…reflux, allergies, and colic. It's been rough. But God is good, and we would take the hardships over being without our child any day.
He is our rainbow baby and he will know about his sister. He will know the impact that she made on us and the way that she prepared us to be the best parents possible to him.
She is an amazing big sister, even though she isn't here with us. I know she is watching over her sweet brother every day, and that they will hold hands, play and laugh together one day in heaven. Until then, we are giving Logan the best life possible, and we are filled with so much gratitude that he is here with us.
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